In case you didn't know, I am and have been for a long time, a dedicated watcher of soap operas. Yes, this guilty pleasure began for me at the tender age of 4. And you ask, who lets a 4 year old watch soaps? Well, you have to address that question to the adults who were suppose to be looking after me. Anyway, so you don't get alarmed, after the soaps, I watched Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers like other kids. Thank God I was not subjected to that scary purple dinosaur Barney ;o). I am currently a one Soap watcher now, ALL MY CHILDREN, but I have watched just about all of them at some point in life from Young and the Restless, the Bold and Beautiful, Days of Our Lives, One Life to Live, Guiding Light...the list goes on. Oh yeah I watched the night soaps too...Dallas, Dynasty, etc...
Now most soap watchers know that you can go months maybe years without watching a particular soap and pick up right back up where you left off. It's that easy. With that in mind, I have decided I could probably write a soap. I say this with confidence because I can always predict where the story line is headed...is it that I am so intelligent or that the soaps are that predictable? I answer yes to both questions.
So, I know you all are wondering where I am going with this blog...I have decided that I am going to share with you how you too can write a successful soap opera. And I am going to do it FREE OF CHARGE. Now sure I may be the writer in this group but I believe there is some inner writer in all of you. So why not start with the soaps? Because with my 10 steps, it is that easy. Here is all you need to create your own soap*:
(*Recommendations, while based on over 30+ years of soap watching experience, can be trusted but guaranteed success is ultimately your responsibility...in other words, don't come trying to sue me if you get turned down.)
10 - Your characters need to be rich. I mean, how cool is a soap with poor people? Poor people have to work and we all know that soap characters do not work. Okay, they might show up at their office once a week but it is only when there is about to be a corporate take over. Otherwise, how could they get into all that mischief if they worked?
9 - You gotta have one old guy that is richer than all the other rich folks. Because he runs the largest business in town, or appears to since he is never at work. He is usually the villain and has about 200 ex wives but he is never broke because for some reason these guys are never sued for alimony. So you also need to create a very smart lawyer to handle his business.
8 - You gotta have a functional hospital. No soap opera can do without a local hospital. And usually the only folks who work on soaps are the doctors and nurses. You need a hospital to treat all the attempted murders, suicides, extremely critical operations that must take place. Now if you are sensitive and can't write this kind of stuff, get out now. No successful soap can survive without some violence usually committed by a psychotic female character.
7 - The town must be centrally located within the US so that your rich characters who all own private jets can fly to Europe or the Islands in a moments notice and return home in the same day if need be. These are no ordinary jets, my friends. I don't even think military jets can travel as fast as soap jets can. Also, the rich don't usually have limos, they drive themselves everywhere. This is done so you can easily incorporate a tragic car crash in somewhere. A car crash is not quite the same with a limo.
6 - You gotta have some adultery. Now this is another subject that is not for the sensitive. But the foundation of any soap revolves around some adulterous behavior. It is a must! And you gotta add some "baby mama drama". Yep somebody has got to be pregnant and not know who the daddy is until the baby gets sick and needs a blood transfusion. And then the real daddy must be revealed. Also feel free to add some baby switching, too. That usually works with the fans.
5 - All children must be able to grow from age 4 to age 15 or 16 in about 1 year. Now this takes some finesse. You gotta make the kid go to boarding school or live with a far away relative so when they come back, the fans won't know there was not enough time to pass for this child to be that age. Apparently kids between ages 5 and 14 don't make for good story lines. So keep this in mind when including young characters.
4 - Apparently black people don't make for good story lines either but you have to have at least one or two to keep the ACLU off your back. Now I have to admit the few that usually are on the soaps have pretty good jobs. They are lawyers, doctors, and oh yeah, if you have a chief of police, he is definitely a brotha. But they must never marry or have kids. They must stay single and always full of good advice. They are never really rich because they are usually working.
3 - Now if you got a police chief, you gotta have a police department with one detective who gets all the cases. You only need one. Your town, while full of crime, is never big enough to support more than one detective. Oh yeah, he will usually get shot a few times but you never kill him off. I mean, if you kill him off, who will solve the BIG ONE!!!
2 - THE BIG ONE. Now at least once a year you gotta be ready to write the big one. You know the one bad guy who has ticked off everybody and then BAM! Somebody kills him but you don't know who did it. Now make sure the murderer is some insignificant character who you can send to jail OR a main character who receives a last minute testimony in court which will get them off and they don't have to go to jail. Never send main characters, no matter how many crimes they commit, to jail.
1 - And if you are truly going to be a soap writing master, that bad guy who gets killed and everybody sees him die and goes to his funeral, will come back alive and well in about a year or two ready to enact revenge on everyone for killing him. This is no walk in the park writing, you have got to make the comeback believable, if not, your fans will know. But for goodness sake, don't make the whole thing a dream because (1) that has been done already and (2) it's a really stupid idea. Ask any former Dallas fans about how well this went over.
Now that you have the guidelines, you are ready to start your own soap. Who knows, one day I'll be recording your new soap everyday at 1:00 instead of All My Children! Happy Writing!
